I'm not here much, and my words may ping like pebbles in an empty bucket. I'm sorry I neglect this; I am neglecting a part of myself as well as those I know who still come to Xanga.

I don't normally post blogs that have a lot of content from another source. This, though, I thought was too spot-on not to share. I found it via a dear friend's Tumblr. (I'm not going to name her unless she says it is okay because I don't want to embarrass her in case she doesn't want people she knows in real life to know what her Tumblr is. I dunno, privacy.)

Check out the entire article here: http://bigthink.com/ideas/39234

Favorite excerpt below (in the context of a woman being flirted with buy a guy in an elevator at an ungodly hour):

Men who want to flirt with women have to realize: Women live in a state of continual vigilance about sexual safety. It’s like having a mild case of hay fever that never goes away. It’s not debilitating. You’re not weak. You’re not afraid. You just suck it up and get on with your life. It’s nothing that’s going to stop you from making discoveries, or climbing mountains, or falling in love. Sometimes you can almost forget about it. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, subtly sucking your energy. You learn to avoid situations that make it worse and seek out conditions that make it better.

If a female stranger is wary around you, it is not because she suspects you are a rapist, or that all men are rapists. It’s because a general level of circumspection is what vigilance requires. Don’t take it personally.

If this frustrates you, try to remember that women are blamed for lapsed vigilance. If a woman does get raped, everyone rushes to see where she let her guard down. Was she drinking? Was she alone? Was she wearing a short skirt? Did she go to a strange man’s room for coffee at 4am?

A woman must be seen to be vigilant as well as be vigilant. If she is deemed insufficiently vigilant, she will be at least partly blamed for any sexual violence that befalls her. If she’s regarded as downright reckless, that “evidence” can be used to completely exonerate her rapist. If it comes down to a he said/she said dispute over whether sex was consensual, as so many rape cases do, the dispute becomes a referendum on whether the woman seems like the sort of reckless person who would have sex with a stranger.

If a woman does go back to a strange man’s hotel room at 4am, even if she only wants a coffee and conversation, she’s more or less given him the power to rape her. No jury is going to believe she went up there for anything but sex. So, don’t be surprised if a stranger reacts badly to that suggestion. (Read entire article here)

Please read the entire article. Even if you don't read the rest of my blog entry, please read the article. However, my take is YES. THIS. 
The article also talks about how flirtation should be fun and nonthreatening for both parties, but an elevator is a weird "captive audience" scenario- private, enclosed, and a little bit threatening. As a moral and happily married woman, there is no possible way I'd willingly sleep with any man other than my husband, so I am not looking to be flirted with or sexually approached in any manner by someone other than my husband, anywhere, elevator or otherwise.

The section I quoted, though, points out a broader issue that women face. "You must be vigilant at all times and also appear vigilant to everyone you know because you never know what will happen to you!" Not only do you have to do everything you can to get predators to avoid you, but you have to make sure that it is clear to everyone you know that you aren't the type of person who would place yourself at risk (but not in a paranoid parrot way that makes you seem like more of a target). This is not a problem for many people, like me- I'm not a partier. I'm married and live a low-key sort of life. Heck, I was even a virgin until I got married. I avoid risk almost to a fault. I don't do illegal things. I don't even illegally download my music. However, it is not right that a woman should be -required- to live conservatively to avoid getting blamed for something beyond her control.

(I understand, though, that a trial can be a he-said she-said scenario, and getting falsely accused of rape can completely ruin an innocent man's life. Even if there's not any evidence and he is later proven innocent or the case is thrown out, the accusation alone can get him fired, ostracized and otherwise treated like a rapist. That is terrible. There is no good, easy solution here. For perspective, though, I would not hesitate to say that far more people get away with rape than are falsely accused. One in six women has experienced an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. The rate is actually one in 33 for males, which is also scary. Predators are likely to have multiple targets, but with 2/3 of attackers being someone the victim knows, prompt and evidence-collecting reporting is less likely. Think "friends" and family members.) See why it's an issue? See why we are paranoid? Most women know people who have been assaulted. Some of our friends quietly tell us about this, and others never tell a soul. Of course, men know assault and abuse survivors too, but I think I can fairly confidently say that they are less likely to hear the stories! And if one in six women has already experienced this, that's enough to make a large part of the population extra careful, if that is how they react to the trauma. I guess I'm just saying... don't judge someone for being paranoid. Not that you would, but just don't.

I haven't even had something like this happen to me (Just a stalker who made disturbing advances and threats, which was scary but not PTSD-risk scary) and I'm maybe too careful as it is. That years-long creepiness at the dawn of my adulthood definitely influenced my view of the world. My world went from a reasonably safe place with a few bad apples that probably wouldn't bother me to a place where HE COULD BE LURKING OUTSIDE MY HOME IN ANY SHADOW AT ANY TIME. AND IF HE ATTACKS WHEN THE TRAIN IS GOING BY NOBODY WILL HEAR ME SCREAM. That kind of place. Paranoid parrot? Maybe, but it was not entirely unrealistic, given the guy's mental state and the sorts of things he said and did. Yay for local police for getting him! He was under house arrest for a while and then I saw him around town again a bit, but not lately. Ergh. I still get creeped out just going downstairs outside to get my laundry at night. And why not? He found out where I lived before when almost nobody knew, and he could have a grudge.

Sorry to derail this to talk about myself when I meant to talk about women in general. I am very aware that he's an outlier, that guys are mostly good, and again, most women know that most men are not predators. They are just required to always be and act careful, so that is what they do. (And all I am saying is who can blame 'em?)

This vigilance requirement is just an obnoxious thing that women have to be aware of. It isn't fair, but I have no idea how to fix it, so what to do? I don't know. The world is not an entirely safe or fair place for anyone of any gender, so it is not like anyone has it made. I just wanted to post this because it described so well what over half the population has to worry about, and I want to make sure that the other half, males, namely, can understand this so that some of our behavior is less baffling.  

As was posted in the tags at the bottom of my friend's post:  REBLOGGING BECAUSE I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO A MALE FRIEND A WHILE AGO WHEN HE WANTED SYMPATHY FOR THE TIME A GIRL LOOKED BACK AT HIM WORRIEDLY WHEN HE WAS WALKING BEHIND HER AT NIGHT AND HE DIDN'T GET IT AND IT IRRITATED ME.