Wrote this last night but forgot to post.

At my internship I am involved as a social worker in facilitating a relapse prevention class for felons with drug problems. This wasn't the sort of thing I was interested in doing at all when I chose social work. But my attitude towards working with criminal offenders has changed so dramatically.

Tonight's class was fantastic. We are nearing the end of our weekly group with them. It's been going on for the past three months. Tonight (as happens increasingly as the class nears completion) the ideas seemed to really fall into place. Things were clicking for them. We talked about (and I plotted out on the whiteboard with their suggestions) various things- situations that in the past had led them to use drugs again or really want to, the thoughts they had before, during and after these incidents, and a new thought- thoughts that not if but when they encountered that situation again they could use to counteract the unhealthy thoughts. Also wrote down feelings they said they remembered having at various points throughout this process. It's harder to explain than to actually show on a whiteboard. Anyway, things that we had been discussing in the weekly class for weeks really clicked for them. It was fantastic. You could see their eyes light up, and more than one person exclaimed, "This is really helpful!" or "Yes, this is really going to help me!"

I've been helping with that group since the very beginning. Mandated groups are very difficult in some ways yet they are probably more common than voluntary groups in my field of work. The first few weeks, it was rough. A lot of people were quiet, and one guy was kind of mean and kept shutting the younger folks down and talking about how he didn't need the class and insinuating he was better than everyone. It was frustrating. I told my supervisors who were running the class (I was helping but mostly observing then since it was early on) that I was wondering he was hurting the group so much we needed to kick him out. They wisely suggested to give him a little while longer and talked to his probation officer. His probation officer gave him a talking-to, and after that he was quiet for a few weeks. Recently he started saying a bit more. At first it was only positive if you looked at it with your head tilted and eyes half-crossed.  Sort of backhanded encouragement or whatever. But more and more he seemed to start to feel like part of the group, sharing a bit of his personal struggles (as opposed to presenting that he had no struggles as he did at first) and offering bits of advice and encouragement that weren't tinged with bitterness.

The quieter members opened up too over the course of the group, baring their souls, talking about their struggles with addiction, pain and shame. More experienced group members offered advice and encouragement. It is inspiring.

And today, it seemed like everyone got something good out of the group. I kept hearing "I can really use this!" and "This is so helpful!"

It was really a summation of everything that we had been building on for a while. It is great to see all of that work they have done pay off.

Of course, I am a social worker, and I believe in hope, but I am also a realist. I am not a cynic, but I know that it is not likely that everyone in that group, even if they all have no intention of ever slipping up again, is going to be 100% successful from here on out. Some will most likely go back to jail for drug use at least once or twice, sadly. But if we make a difference for just one or two, it's very much worth it. At the moment it seems like we are making a difference for all of the half a dozen or so people who have made it so far in the class. I wish the best for all of them.

(What is strange is that today started so badly. Things got off to a bad start with my first group in the morning. Not with the members, but with the location. We had nowhere to meet because our usual place was taken and everyone except the offenders and me forgot the group was even happening. We made do with a random smaller space with my supervisor in her office. Social workers must be flexible if anything. In the moment things like this are very frustrating; I was angry though not really at anyone in particular. I felt like they were sort of given the short end of the stick, waiting awkwardly in the lobby forever and largely ignored.  I admit I was also anxious and frustrated because I was stuck looking foolish and unprepared (although I really wasn't and had come extra early that day) and had to improvise with four felons. lol. After we got it figured out and got them sent off happily and early, I was relieved, though still disappointed the class did not go half as smoothly as planned. With everything coming up this week and weekend I was also feeling very overwhelmed, and had not been able to sleep the night before so I was too tired to cope. The prospect of being at my internship for another nine hours after that group was done (Wednesday is always a VERY LONG DAY) was devastating! But once I got some coffee in my system things started to seem much more doable. I don't have coffee very often. I do not think I had had any since January or February, but man, it helped so much.

I did some counseling with a client which went better than expected. Novice counselor that I am, I am pleasantly surprised that all the people I have seen in individual sessions so far have responded well. I don't think this is because I am particularly awesome at it; these were all pretty nice, agreeable sorts of people. Nice to converse with. Committed to their loved ones and want to do well in life. Still, it is encouraging that at least my basic listening and empathy skills are probably not awful. I am not actively messing people up as far as I know, though, and I consider this success. Also, everyone I have talked with (more like listened to and asked the right questions of, ha) has rated the sessions as helpful or very helpful.)

Anyway, here's the thing. Like many bright-eyed young students, I got into social work with this vague idea that I wanted to be "helping people." Now, you may say, that is exactly what I am doing. And it sort of is, but it also isn't. My job is to help them come to grips with the strength they already have within themselves. I assist them to make the connections they just hadn't made yet. Or to show them a more useful way of thinking, of paying attention to this thought they have that helps them do the right thing rather than that thought that leads them to depression and drug use. My job is to help them figure out what works, what they have already done which helped a little that they could do more of, and what their goals are. Much of this really means asking them the right questions so they realize it themselves. I do not know ahead of time what the solution is. How could I? If someone makes a decision for their own life it will mean a whole lot more than if I decide for them.

I'm not even opening doors for them. I am just pointing to the doors that were already there in their own mind so that they can open them and go through them themselves, if they so choose. Or I am showing them how to clean their glasses so they can see the doors that have already been there, and pick the right one so they aren't fumbling around.

I do lots of different things, but my favorite times are when people realize their own strengths and start to use them, or when people find relief for their distress due to some more healthy strategy I helped them develop on their own, or whatever. It is so beautiful to see how people react when they realize that things really are not nearly as hopeless as they thought. New light comes into their eyes. That is the best way I can describe it. Their wings grow a little. I don't know. It's just neat and that is my favorite, favorite part. It's them, it's all them. I walk with them a short while and shine a little light which sometimes helps.

I am not "helping people" like you would help a drowning person or an injured person. I like it though because I can still see it making a difference, and in a way that makes people feel more able and confident, and not beholden to me for somehow "saving" them.

Closing thoughts: What do you think of when I say "offenders" and "felons?" Yeah, working with people on probation and parole is nothing like I thought. Especially when it comes to addictions. The phrase "There but for the grace of God go I" comes to mind. (I like the almost gut-wrenching realization that saying implies but not the insinuation that God might have graced me more and the other people less or something.) Sometimes people make stupid choices (don't we all within our own frames of reference? Just hoping that we don't make choices so stupid they mess us up for good?) but sometimes crazy stuff happens. Imagine getting in a horrible accident and coming out of it addicted to the pain medications they pumped into you. I know that even if I try to make the right choices addiction could happen to me. (I was kind of worried about that when I got my wisdom teeth out a few weeks ago. Nothing to worry about there- pain meds make me vomit. I hate vomiting even more than I hate pain.)

Anyway. People who have committed crimes are surprisingly very much like you or me. It isn't hard to want the best for most of them.

I really love what I am doing. It feels like what I am doing with the other social workers there is making a difference in people's lives, or helping them make a difference in their own lives, and that feels just plain awesome. It's overwhelming to think about all of the people in this world who could use some sort of help, but what matters is to make a difference to one. Then one more. Then one more. And it feels to me like this is the work I was called to do, and it feels like it matters.

I'm not here much, and my words may ping like pebbles in an empty bucket. I'm sorry I neglect this; I am neglecting a part of myself as well as those I know who still come to Xanga.

I don't normally post blogs that have a lot of content from another source. This, though, I thought was too spot-on not to share. I found it via a dear friend's Tumblr. (I'm not going to name her unless she says it is okay because I don't want to embarrass her in case she doesn't want people she knows in real life to know what her Tumblr is. I dunno, privacy.)

Check out the entire article here: http://bigthink.com/ideas/39234

Favorite excerpt below (in the context of a woman being flirted with buy a guy in an elevator at an ungodly hour):

Men who want to flirt with women have to realize: Women live in a state of continual vigilance about sexual safety. It’s like having a mild case of hay fever that never goes away. It’s not debilitating. You’re not weak. You’re not afraid. You just suck it up and get on with your life. It’s nothing that’s going to stop you from making discoveries, or climbing mountains, or falling in love. Sometimes you can almost forget about it. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, subtly sucking your energy. You learn to avoid situations that make it worse and seek out conditions that make it better.

If a female stranger is wary around you, it is not because she suspects you are a rapist, or that all men are rapists. It’s because a general level of circumspection is what vigilance requires. Don’t take it personally.

If this frustrates you, try to remember that women are blamed for lapsed vigilance. If a woman does get raped, everyone rushes to see where she let her guard down. Was she drinking? Was she alone? Was she wearing a short skirt? Did she go to a strange man’s room for coffee at 4am?

A woman must be seen to be vigilant as well as be vigilant. If she is deemed insufficiently vigilant, she will be at least partly blamed for any sexual violence that befalls her. If she’s regarded as downright reckless, that “evidence” can be used to completely exonerate her rapist. If it comes down to a he said/she said dispute over whether sex was consensual, as so many rape cases do, the dispute becomes a referendum on whether the woman seems like the sort of reckless person who would have sex with a stranger.

If a woman does go back to a strange man’s hotel room at 4am, even if she only wants a coffee and conversation, she’s more or less given him the power to rape her. No jury is going to believe she went up there for anything but sex. So, don’t be surprised if a stranger reacts badly to that suggestion. (Read entire article here)

Please read the entire article. Even if you don't read the rest of my blog entry, please read the article. However, my take is YES. THIS. 
The article also talks about how flirtation should be fun and nonthreatening for both parties, but an elevator is a weird "captive audience" scenario- private, enclosed, and a little bit threatening. As a moral and happily married woman, there is no possible way I'd willingly sleep with any man other than my husband, so I am not looking to be flirted with or sexually approached in any manner by someone other than my husband, anywhere, elevator or otherwise.

The section I quoted, though, points out a broader issue that women face. "You must be vigilant at all times and also appear vigilant to everyone you know because you never know what will happen to you!" Not only do you have to do everything you can to get predators to avoid you, but you have to make sure that it is clear to everyone you know that you aren't the type of person who would place yourself at risk (but not in a paranoid parrot way that makes you seem like more of a target). This is not a problem for many people, like me- I'm not a partier. I'm married and live a low-key sort of life. Heck, I was even a virgin until I got married. I avoid risk almost to a fault. I don't do illegal things. I don't even illegally download my music. However, it is not right that a woman should be -required- to live conservatively to avoid getting blamed for something beyond her control.

(I understand, though, that a trial can be a he-said she-said scenario, and getting falsely accused of rape can completely ruin an innocent man's life. Even if there's not any evidence and he is later proven innocent or the case is thrown out, the accusation alone can get him fired, ostracized and otherwise treated like a rapist. That is terrible. There is no good, easy solution here. For perspective, though, I would not hesitate to say that far more people get away with rape than are falsely accused. One in six women has experienced an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. The rate is actually one in 33 for males, which is also scary. Predators are likely to have multiple targets, but with 2/3 of attackers being someone the victim knows, prompt and evidence-collecting reporting is less likely. Think "friends" and family members.) See why it's an issue? See why we are paranoid? Most women know people who have been assaulted. Some of our friends quietly tell us about this, and others never tell a soul. Of course, men know assault and abuse survivors too, but I think I can fairly confidently say that they are less likely to hear the stories! And if one in six women has already experienced this, that's enough to make a large part of the population extra careful, if that is how they react to the trauma. I guess I'm just saying... don't judge someone for being paranoid. Not that you would, but just don't.

I haven't even had something like this happen to me (Just a stalker who made disturbing advances and threats, which was scary but not PTSD-risk scary) and I'm maybe too careful as it is. That years-long creepiness at the dawn of my adulthood definitely influenced my view of the world. My world went from a reasonably safe place with a few bad apples that probably wouldn't bother me to a place where HE COULD BE LURKING OUTSIDE MY HOME IN ANY SHADOW AT ANY TIME. AND IF HE ATTACKS WHEN THE TRAIN IS GOING BY NOBODY WILL HEAR ME SCREAM. That kind of place. Paranoid parrot? Maybe, but it was not entirely unrealistic, given the guy's mental state and the sorts of things he said and did. Yay for local police for getting him! He was under house arrest for a while and then I saw him around town again a bit, but not lately. Ergh. I still get creeped out just going downstairs outside to get my laundry at night. And why not? He found out where I lived before when almost nobody knew, and he could have a grudge.

Sorry to derail this to talk about myself when I meant to talk about women in general. I am very aware that he's an outlier, that guys are mostly good, and again, most women know that most men are not predators. They are just required to always be and act careful, so that is what they do. (And all I am saying is who can blame 'em?)

This vigilance requirement is just an obnoxious thing that women have to be aware of. It isn't fair, but I have no idea how to fix it, so what to do? I don't know. The world is not an entirely safe or fair place for anyone of any gender, so it is not like anyone has it made. I just wanted to post this because it described so well what over half the population has to worry about, and I want to make sure that the other half, males, namely, can understand this so that some of our behavior is less baffling.  

As was posted in the tags at the bottom of my friend's post:  REBLOGGING BECAUSE I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO A MALE FRIEND A WHILE AGO WHEN HE WANTED SYMPATHY FOR THE TIME A GIRL LOOKED BACK AT HIM WORRIEDLY WHEN HE WAS WALKING BEHIND HER AT NIGHT AND HE DIDN'T GET IT AND IT IRRITATED ME.