Wrote this last night but forgot to post.
At my internship I am involved as a social worker in facilitating a relapse prevention class for felons with drug problems. This wasn't the sort of thing I was interested in doing at all when I chose social work. But my attitude towards working with criminal offenders has changed so dramatically.
Tonight's class was fantastic. We are nearing the end of our weekly group with them. It's been going on for the past three months. Tonight (as happens increasingly as the class nears completion) the ideas seemed to really fall into place. Things were clicking for them. We talked about (and I plotted out on the whiteboard with their suggestions) various things- situations that in the past had led them to use drugs again or really want to, the thoughts they had before, during and after these incidents, and a new thought- thoughts that not if but when they encountered that situation again they could use to counteract the unhealthy thoughts. Also wrote down feelings they said they remembered having at various points throughout this process. It's harder to explain than to actually show on a whiteboard. Anyway, things that we had been discussing in the weekly class for weeks really clicked for them. It was fantastic. You could see their eyes light up, and more than one person exclaimed, "This is really helpful!" or "Yes, this is really going to help me!"
I've been helping with that group since the very beginning. Mandated groups are very difficult in some ways yet they are probably more common than voluntary groups in my field of work. The first few weeks, it was rough. A lot of people were quiet, and one guy was kind of mean and kept shutting the younger folks down and talking about how he didn't need the class and insinuating he was better than everyone. It was frustrating. I told my supervisors who were running the class (I was helping but mostly observing then since it was early on) that I was wondering he was hurting the group so much we needed to kick him out. They wisely suggested to give him a little while longer and talked to his probation officer. His probation officer gave him a talking-to, and after that he was quiet for a few weeks. Recently he started saying a bit more. At first it was only positive if you looked at it with your head tilted and eyes half-crossed. Sort of backhanded encouragement or whatever. But more and more he seemed to start to feel like part of the group, sharing a bit of his personal struggles (as opposed to presenting that he had no struggles as he did at first) and offering bits of advice and encouragement that weren't tinged with bitterness.
The quieter members opened up too over the course of the group, baring their souls, talking about their struggles with addiction, pain and shame. More experienced group members offered advice and encouragement. It is inspiring.
And today, it seemed like everyone got something good out of the group. I kept hearing "I can really use this!" and "This is so helpful!"
It was really a summation of everything that we had been building on for a while. It is great to see all of that work they have done pay off.
Of course, I am a social worker, and I believe in hope, but I am also a realist. I am not a cynic, but I know that it is not likely that everyone in that group, even if they all have no intention of ever slipping up again, is going to be 100% successful from here on out. Some will most likely go back to jail for drug use at least once or twice, sadly. But if we make a difference for just one or two, it's very much worth it. At the moment it seems like we are making a difference for all of the half a dozen or so people who have made it so far in the class. I wish the best for all of them.
(What is strange is that today started so badly. Things got off to a bad start with my first group in the morning. Not with the members, but with the location. We had nowhere to meet because our usual place was taken and everyone except the offenders and me forgot the group was even happening. We made do with a random smaller space with my supervisor in her office. Social workers must be flexible if anything. In the moment things like this are very frustrating; I was angry though not really at anyone in particular. I felt like they were sort of given the short end of the stick, waiting awkwardly in the lobby forever and largely ignored. I admit I was also anxious and frustrated because I was stuck looking foolish and unprepared (although I really wasn't and had come extra early that day) and had to improvise with four felons. lol. After we got it figured out and got them sent off happily and early, I was relieved, though still disappointed the class did not go half as smoothly as planned. With everything coming up this week and weekend I was also feeling very overwhelmed, and had not been able to sleep the night before so I was too tired to cope. The prospect of being at my internship for another nine hours after that group was done (Wednesday is always a VERY LONG DAY) was devastating! But once I got some coffee in my system things started to seem much more doable. I don't have coffee very often. I do not think I had had any since January or February, but man, it helped so much.
I did some counseling with a client which went better than expected. Novice counselor that I am, I am pleasantly surprised that all the people I have seen in individual sessions so far have responded well. I don't think this is because I am particularly awesome at it; these were all pretty nice, agreeable sorts of people. Nice to converse with. Committed to their loved ones and want to do well in life. Still, it is encouraging that at least my basic listening and empathy skills are probably not awful. I am not actively messing people up as far as I know, though, and I consider this success. Also, everyone I have talked with (more like listened to and asked the right questions of, ha) has rated the sessions as helpful or very helpful.)
Anyway, here's the thing. Like many bright-eyed young students, I got into social work with this vague idea that I wanted to be "helping people." Now, you may say, that is exactly what I am doing. And it sort of is, but it also isn't. My job is to help them come to grips with the strength they already have within themselves. I assist them to make the connections they just hadn't made yet. Or to show them a more useful way of thinking, of paying attention to this thought they have that helps them do the right thing rather than that thought that leads them to depression and drug use. My job is to help them figure out what works, what they have already done which helped a little that they could do more of, and what their goals are. Much of this really means asking them the right questions so they realize it themselves. I do not know ahead of time what the solution is. How could I? If someone makes a decision for their own life it will mean a whole lot more than if I decide for them.
I'm not even opening doors for them. I am just pointing to the doors that were already there in their own mind so that they can open them and go through them themselves, if they so choose. Or I am showing them how to clean their glasses so they can see the doors that have already been there, and pick the right one so they aren't fumbling around.
I do lots of different things, but my favorite times are when people realize their own strengths and start to use them, or when people find relief for their distress due to some more healthy strategy I helped them develop on their own, or whatever. It is so beautiful to see how people react when they realize that things really are not nearly as hopeless as they thought. New light comes into their eyes. That is the best way I can describe it. Their wings grow a little. I don't know. It's just neat and that is my favorite, favorite part. It's them, it's all them. I walk with them a short while and shine a little light which sometimes helps.
I am not "helping people" like you would help a drowning person or an injured person. I like it though because I can still see it making a difference, and in a way that makes people feel more able and confident, and not beholden to me for somehow "saving" them.
Closing thoughts: What do you think of when I say "offenders" and "felons?" Yeah, working with people on probation and parole is nothing like I thought. Especially when it comes to addictions. The phrase "There but for the grace of God go I" comes to mind. (I like the almost gut-wrenching realization that saying implies but not the insinuation that God might have graced me more and the other people less or something.) Sometimes people make stupid choices (don't we all within our own frames of reference? Just hoping that we don't make choices so stupid they mess us up for good?) but sometimes crazy stuff happens. Imagine getting in a horrible accident and coming out of it addicted to the pain medications they pumped into you. I know that even if I try to make the right choices addiction could happen to me. (I was kind of worried about that when I got my wisdom teeth out a few weeks ago. Nothing to worry about there- pain meds make me vomit. I hate vomiting even more than I hate pain.)
Anyway. People who have committed crimes are surprisingly very much like you or me. It isn't hard to want the best for most of them.
I really love what I am doing. It feels like what I am doing with the other social workers there is making a difference in people's lives, or helping them make a difference in their own lives, and that feels just plain awesome. It's overwhelming to think about all of the people in this world who could use some sort of help, but what matters is to make a difference to one. Then one more. Then one more. And it feels to me like this is the work I was called to do, and it feels like it matters.